This year was supposed to be better.

So its Friday. Wednesday was hard. I tried to keep myself from breaking down throughout the day. And I wasn't very with it in any of my classes. I only went to school because Chuckles was the kind of guy who never skipped no matter what. No matter how sick or how tired he was. He was always at school. But before I went to bed wednesday night I broke down. I just kept crying. I remembered all the conversations and times me and him shared. And then I prayed. I always start of a prayer with thanking god for everything I have and all the things that I get to experience. And I thanked him for bringing Chuckles into the world. For creating someone as special, intelligent, honest, and kind hearted as him. And letting everyone know how great he was. And then I broke down a little more. I wondered if maybe he was hurting and I didn't see it. Maybe I missed something. And I prayed that I could know.
And then thursday was just a bad day. I was upset the whole day, my eyes hurt and I was just trying to get through it. And I did. But it didn't help that I did.
And last night i had a dream about him.
In the dream I was driving to some kind of memorial me and everyone who was friends with him were having. He was sitting next to me and we were talking. But he was telling me that he was fine. That he was ok. He wasn't alive in my dream. But he was there. And he was telling me about all this stuff he wished he had said to certain people and all the good byes that he didn't get to say.
And I was writing them down on my arms. And then when I ran out of room then I wrote some on my stomach. And then I said good bye to him and then went to the memorial/party to remember him. And woke up. And immediately when I woke up Walrus jumped off my back and straight out the window.
And cats are considered to be conduits to the next life. And the dream was so vivid and real. I'm not sure how to feel about it. And I have been thinking about it all day. And later today Dexter came over since he was in the neighborhood and we talked and hung out a little bit. It was awesome. It was exactly what I needed.
I still feel horrible. And its not going to change anytime soon. I still don't even know if i'm alright or not. I am just trying to get through the day.
I will try to blog soon
Later days.